Alone again. Spent more time reading today than writing so far. It seems to hamper my ability to properly form thoughts, and, once formed, to place them onto paper. Theoretical paper, as I’m sure I’ve mentioned before. Don’t think about the task ahead. Think about what you’re going to say.
I think I only have a set amount of thoughts each week. I’m going to test that today.
What topics are interesting to you? Let’s develop a list, and perhaps you can flesh them out, or ignore them as you are so wont to do.
What is interesting to you, you dull clod? Nothing lights up your life except for that stupid girl and you’re so conflicted over her that you can’t even do anything about it. What used to be exciting is now dead. You’re alone in your house and you’re not even doing anything useful, moping about your leg. It might detract from morale, but morale itself doesn’t clean a household.
Don’t you, “Oh, God,” me, you know it’s true. All you do is sit there in your head, satisfied with your words, and you never actually do anything. I hope they find something wrong with you during your screening on December 3rd, but the truth is that they’ll probably find that you’re perfectly fine, which means you’re just a lazy ass who sits around all day and doesn’t achieve anything.
What a failure. Yeah, and there’s that idiot over there in the corner looking up at all the posters in your room and thinking, “I’m going somewhere!” but he won’t get anywhere by reading motivational quotes all day. Nobody thinks you’re worth listening to, not your friends, not the internet, not your family. What are you good for? Name one thing that you’ve done something effective in.
That’s what I thought. Failures and dropouts, all. There’s only one thing left to do, and that’s to die, and you can’t even do that properly. You have another seven years before you do that, and you won’t accomplish anything in that time, you’ll just be late for your last appointment with the Grim Reaper.
You will die alone, unknown, uncelebrated, and without anyone to carry on your name. Your cardboard box will be stolen by the hobo down the street and you’ll die of exposure. Probably in Madison, where your successful friend will have an empire corporation to his name.
Gah. I’m sick of you. I’m leaving.
…Well, glad that’s over. Now that he’s in the hallway and perhaps walking down the street, hopefully away from this place, we can address some of his points in a constructive manner. You’ve already faced that before. If you died now, you would have died as a failure in all the things you want to. But you already knew that. You knew that you would probably walk that path. You knew that you were on that path. But the choice of the path is up to you, from here.
Most people are on the heights above you. But you were never afraid of a good climb. It might take a while, it might take guts and determination and your footing will be off, but you did Angel’s Landing. You can play with the big boys. You just have to believe in yourself. Belief and putting one foot in front of the other, with your eyes on that final landing. They say not to look down. Well, it’s too late for that. You’ve already seen yourself tumble and fall, broken, into the canyon, crushed like a bug. You know it could happen. If it does, it’s fate. But if you let go, it’s certain.
Don’t let go of the cliff face. Climb higher. You’re at the bottom now. Trust in your reach to bring you to new places. You’ve let go before. You know how it feels. You’re still not dead. Keep going. Bring yourself up to new heights by yourself. Take breaks, let your wounds heal. Follow trailblazers until you reach the end of their trails, then blaze them yourself.
When you reach the top, it’s not the world that changes. It’s you. From there, you can choose to go anywhere, because you can see it all.
Make it happen. I’ll see you later.
Hm. It seems like there’s really only my voice left now. Neither disparaging nor idealistically hopeful. I’m the third, possibly the one you listen to the most, but I have no urge to pull you downward, nor to drag you up. I’m the one who tells you exactly what you want to hear. The things you need to figure things out. I’m not really interested in where you’re going, but how you get there.
You need to stop injuring yourself. I know, that seems pretty mundane, but it kills your spirits. Being crippled and out of shape is no fun. Fix that. Then when you’re back to normal, let me know where you want to go, and I’ll try my best to bring you there. I have a harder time of it than the two guys before me, because I have to actually think about the world around us, how to navigate through it, and I feel like you’re not as interested in that as you could be. You’re more interested in how the world could be.
Maybe you should figure out how the world is, at least for now. You’re such a greenhorn.
But really. Thanksgiving is tomorrow and the house needs to be cleaned up. I would just throw out basically everything, but I’m sure your family wouldn’t appreciate that. Actually, they might. If we framed it as practice for moving out, they might…hate that idea. Yeah, they really don’t want to move out.
These plants are dying. I believe you’ve addressed this before. I’d give them away online or throw them out. A damn shame, though. There seems to be a great deal of paper around here. This is yours…and that, that can probably be thrown out.
Hey, great, you’re working on your fifty thousand word accumulation. That places you no closer to your trashy sci-fi/fiction novel. You have roughly two and a half months to write that novel. After November ends, you will have less time, but at least NaNo will be over. The truth is, though, that it won’t. Let’s say you shoot for seventy-thousand words between December first and February eleventh. You can do that math, can’t you? Roughly seventy days, with seventy thousand words makes it easy math. About one thousand words a day. Easier than NaNo, by a little, but this has to be coherent. You might have to shotgun characters and have them find ways to each other. Isn’t that how the last one worked?
It worked for a good twenty-eight-thousand words, too. That’s something to almost be proud of, you almost noveller. This is pretty good, standing at almost thirty-five-thousand words, too. Nothing to sneeze at, but nobody would want to read it. Hell, you don’t even want to read it. Who thinks enough to fill a word document with fifty thousand words in a month? I certainly don’t. Or I try not to. Thinking is a killer. Impractical.
Anyway, you can certainly do a thousand words a day. Don’t count on making it up, though. And give yourself less rules. You’ll do better, be more motivated. Like this. How the hell else are you going to finish writing this challenge without just being able to freestyle prose until your mind dies?
You can’t. So let yourself do what you do naturally, just make sure to be writing it down.
What else do you want to do? Learn that Taeyang Where U At dance, right? Then do it. Not now, you’re busy. Not sure where you started writing. In fact, find that out so you have a general idea of when you can stop. Hmm, you’re almost at the normal NaNo daily requirement. Good. Don’t stop. Can’t stop, in fact. Because you’re addicted to the shindig.
Alright, just because it adds to the word count doesn’t mean I should do it. Thanks, but no thanks.
So you should really start learning Where U At at school. Just put it away til then. Oh shit, NaNo doesn’t end until Tuesday. You have quite a bit of writing to do, my friend. Just put it all away until you get this done.
Alright, so first it’s NaNo. I don’t know why this has captivated you so much. I guess repeated failures capture your attention. If that’s how it must be, then fail five times faster. It’s taken you this long to finally get the resolve to complete NaNoWriMo, and now that you will finish it at this rate, you must continue. You will win this challenge, and then you will move onto the next challenge, and you will fail many, many times, if past history is any indicator, but then you will succeed. This month, you rewrite the endings to all your stories.
Got it? In all practicality, I’m not going to tell you to do anything else. You really can’t focus on anything else, and most likely your attention deficit will lead you to do those things anyway. That is practicality. Focus on one thing. The rest, you will do by accident.
Well, I could spew more words, but that’s the last thing I’m going to say. I take my leave as well.
Good luck.
